From Tantrums to Perspective-Taking: How Theory of Mind Transforms Childhood

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An evidence-based guide for parents on one of the biggest leaps in your child’s social brain

What Is Theory of Mind?

Theory of mind (ToM) is the ability to understand that other people have their own thoughts, beliefs, desires, and feelings — and that those mental states can be different from your own and different from reality. It’s the reason an adult can think, “She doesn’t know there’s a surprise waiting for her,” or “He thinks the shop is still open, but it closed an hour ago.”

For young children, this understanding doesn’t arrive overnight. It unfolds gradually across the first five years of life — and it underpins almost everything we think of as “social skills”: empathy, cooperation, conflict resolution, sharing, and the ability to see things from someone else’s point of view.

Developmental psychologist Henry Wellman and his colleague Dachun Liu developed a widely used Theory of Mind Scale showing that children’s understanding of mental states progresses in a reliable sequence: first, understanding that people can have diverse desires; then diverse beliefs; then knowledge access (knowing that someone who hasn’t looked inside a box doesn’t know what’s in it); then false belief; and finally hidden emotion (realising someone can feel one thing inside while showing something different on the outside). A large-scale 2024 meta-analysis spanning 91 studies and 10,321 children across 22 countries confirmed this progressive sequence as a robust, cross-cultural pattern.

How Theory of Mind Develops: A Stage-by-Stage Look

The roots of theory of mind appear far earlier than many parents realise. Here’s what the research tells us about the journey from infancy to school age.

Infancy (0–12 months)

In the first year, babies learn to distinguish people from objects. They begin to follow another person’s gaze, point to direct an adult’s attention, and engage in joint attention — like looking at a picture book together with a caregiver. These early skills are foundational: they signal the baby’s dawning awareness that other people attend to things, and that where someone looks reflects something happening in their mind.

Toddlerhood (12–24 months)

By age two, children clearly show awareness of the difference between thoughts in the mind and things in the world. In pretend play — for example, pretending a block is a car — toddlers demonstrate that they can distinguish between an object and a thought about that object. They also understand that people feel happy when they get what they want and sad when they don’t, and they start to recognise that another person’s desires may differ from their own. Language development plays a role here too: two-year-olds begin talking about what they and others want, like, and feel.

The Preschool Shift (3–5 years)

This is where the most dramatic changes happen. Around age three, children can talk about their thoughts, memories, and feelings, but they typically struggle with a crucial concept: that someone can believe something that isn’t true.

The classic test for this is the false belief task. In one well-known version, a child watches as a character (Sally) places a toy in a box and then leaves the room. While Sally is gone, another character moves the toy to a different location. The child is then asked: “Where will Sally look for the toy?” Three-year-olds typically point to where the toy really is, because they assume Sally knows what they know. By around age four to five, children correctly say Sally will look where she left it — because they now understand she holds a false belief.

A landmark meta-analysis of 178 studies by Wellman, Cross, and Watson (2001) confirmed this developmental shift as genuine conceptual change, not just a quirk of particular tasks. Preschoolers moved from below-chance to above-chance performance on false-belief tasks in a consistent pattern across countries and task variations.

Middle Childhood and Beyond

Theory of mind doesn’t stop at age five. Through primary school, children develop the capacity for second-order false beliefs — thinking about what one person believes another person believes (for example, “Mum thinks that Dad thinks the present is in the cupboard”). They also become better at understanding hidden emotions, sarcasm, white lies, and more complex social situations.

Why Theory of Mind Matters

Research consistently links stronger theory of mind with better social outcomes. Children with more developed ToM are better communicators, can resolve conflicts more easily with their friends, are rated as more socially competent by teachers, are happier in school, and are more popular with peers. A 2024 study of 164 preschoolers found that theory of mind significantly predicted school adjustment, including how much children liked or avoided school.

Prosocial Behaviour

Theory of mind and emotion understanding together predict children’s prosocial orientation. When children can appreciate that someone else feels sad or left out, they are more motivated to help, share, and comfort. There is also a correlation between children’s emotion understanding and the quality of their peer relationships.

Academic Readiness

Preschool ToM abilities have been linked to later academic achievement. Social-emotional competence — which relies heavily on theory of mind — is considered important for early academic progress in school settings, because classroom life is full of situations where children need to infer what teachers and peers know, want, and feel.

A Note on Antisocial Uses

A well-developed theory of mind can also be used in less positive ways — such as teasing, manipulation, bullying, and sophisticated lying. Understanding that someone holds a false belief can be used to deceive them effectively. This is a normal part of development, not a cause for alarm, but it’s worth knowing that ToM is a tool: what matters is how children are guided to use it.

What Helps Theory of Mind Develop?

Theory of mind is more like language than literacy — it has biological roots and develops without formal teaching. But environmental factors clearly influence the rate at which it develops. The research points to several key influences.

Family Conversations About Thoughts and Feelings

One of the strongest predictors of theory of mind is the extent to which parents talk about mental states — what people think, know, feel, want, and believe. Ruffman and colleagues (2002) found that mothers’ use of mental state language — specifically words like “think” and “know,” along with modulations of assertion (such as “maybe,” “might,” “I wonder”) — predicted children’s later success on theory of mind tasks.

A longitudinal study by Taumoepeau and Ruffman (2006, 2008) tracked the link between maternal mental state talk and children’s own mental state language at 15, 24, and 33 months. By 33 months, mothers’ think/know talk was the most consistent correlate, linking to all types of child mental state language.

More recent longitudinal work by Carr and colleagues (2018) found that mothers’ mental state talk (MST) was highly stable from the preschool years through to age ten. Critically, early maternal MST — particularly references to cognitions (thoughts, beliefs, knowledge) — accounted for unique variance in children’s behavioural adjustment at age ten: children whose mothers used more MST experienced fewer externalising behaviour difficulties.

Mind-Mindedness in Infancy

“Mind-mindedness” refers to a parent’s tendency to treat their baby as a person with their own mind — commenting on the infant’s likely thoughts and feelings during everyday interactions.

In a foundational study, Meins and colleagues (2002) observed 57 mother-infant pairs during free play when babies were six months old. Mothers’ use of appropriate mental state comments — ones that accurately reflected what the infant appeared to be thinking or feeling — predicted children’s performance on a battery of ToM tasks at 45 and 48 months. This effect held even after controlling for children’s verbal ability, accounting for 11% of the variance in ToM performance. A later study by Goffin, Kochanska, and Yoon (2020) extended these findings, showing that parents’ mind-minded comments at seven months predicted children’s ToM at 4.5–5.5 years, which in turn predicted conscience development at 6.5 years.

Siblings

Having siblings, particularly of a similar or slightly different age, has been consistently linked to earlier theory of mind development. A longitudinal study of 157 preschoolers found that a greater number of child-aged siblings significantly predicted ToM scores, even after controlling for age and vocabulary. Other research has shown that younger siblings can foster older children’s understanding of second-order false belief well into middle childhood. The likely mechanism is that sibling interactions provide constant, naturally occurring practice in perspective-taking, negotiation, and conflict.

Pretend Play

Pretend play — especially role-play and sociodramatic play — invites children to step into another person’s shoes and imagine alternative realities. Intervention studies confirm that when children engage in sociodramatic play combined with mental state language and adult scaffolding, their ToM skills improve. For example, Qu and colleagues (2015) found that sociodramatic play enriched with mental state terms and adult intervention produced significant gains in false belief understanding.

Storybook Reading (With a “Mind Focus”)

Shared story reading offers a powerful, low-pressure context for practising perspective-taking — but the key is how the reading happens. A training study by Tompkins (2015) with 73 low-income preschoolers found that children who participated in book interactions focused on characters’ false beliefs and emotions outperformed two control groups on false belief understanding at both an immediate and a delayed posttest two months later. Similarly, the meta-analysis by Hofmann and colleagues (2016), which reviewed 45 controlled training studies (1,529 children), found that ToM training procedures — many of which used narrative and storybook methods enriched with mental state discussion — produced a moderately strong effect (Hedges’ g = 0.75). Effective approaches included storytelling enriched with mental state verbs, discussion of characters’ beliefs and feelings, and corrective feedback when children’s predictions were wrong.

Executive Function

Theory of mind and executive function (EF) — the cognitive skills that help children control impulses, hold information in working memory, and shift flexibly between tasks — develop in tandem and support each other. Research by Carlson and Zelazo showed that ToM depends significantly on developing EF skills: to appreciate someone else’s perspective, a child needs to be able to set aside their own, and that requires self-control. Longitudinal data suggest that advances in either area (ToM or EF) benefit the other.

6 Strategies to Support Your Child’s Theory of Mind

Drawing on the research above, here are practical, evidence-based approaches parents can use in everyday life.

1. Use “Mental State Talk” Throughout the Day

Make thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and desires a regular part of your conversation — not just during conflicts or big emotional moments, but during ordinary routines.

Try this:

“You wanted the red plate, but Dad didn’t know that, so he grabbed the blue one.”
“I think it might rain today, but Grandma thinks it’ll be sunny. We’ll have to wait and see who’s right!”
“Your friend was really surprised — she didn’t know you were going to be at the party.”

The language of thinking, knowing, believing, wondering, remembering, and forgetting gives children the conceptual vocabulary they need to reason about minds.

2. Be “Mind-Minded” From Early On

Even with babies and young toddlers, narrate what they might be thinking and feeling.

Try this:

“Oh, you’re staring at the dog next door — you’re curious about what he’s doing!”
“You’re pushing the food away — you’ve had enough, haven’t you?”
“You’re reaching for that — you really want to hold it yourself.”

This isn’t about being right every time. It’s about showing your child that their inner world is seen, which lays the groundwork for them to recognise inner worlds in others.

3. Read Stories With a “Mind Focus”

When sharing picture books, pause to explore what characters are thinking, feeling, and believing — especially when a character holds a mistaken belief or doesn’t know something the reader knows.

Try this:

“She hid behind the tree. Does the wolf know she’s there?”
“He thinks the box has biscuits in it, but we know it has crayons! What’s going to happen when he opens it?”
“Why do you think she looks worried? What might she be thinking?”

Stories featuring surprises, secrets, tricks, and misunderstandings are especially powerful, because they naturally invite children to consider different perspectives.

4. Encourage Pretend Play and Role-Play

Join your child’s pretend play and introduce situations where characters have different knowledge or feelings.

Try this:

Play the role of a “confused” character: “I’m the shopkeeper and I don’t know what’s in this bag. Can you tell me?”
Set up simple scenarios: “Let’s pretend you’re the teacher and I’m a new kid who doesn’t know anyone. What would you do?”
After a play scenario, talk about it: “The teddy thought the party was cancelled, but it wasn’t! How did teddy feel when he found out?”

5. Talk Through Real-Life Misunderstandings

When conflicts or misunderstandings happen — and they will — use them as low-key learning moments by helping your child reconstruct “who knew what when” and “how each person felt”.

Try this:

“You thought Lily took your pencil on purpose, but she didn’t know it was yours. She thought it was a spare.”
“You were upset because you thought we weren’t going to the park. But I hadn’t said no — I just hadn’t answered yet. We were thinking different things!”
“What do you think he was feeling when that happened? What could you say next time so he knows what you’re thinking?”

6. Model Perspective-Taking Out Loud

Children learn by watching how you interpret other people’s behaviour. When you openly consider others’ perspectives, you demonstrate what theory of mind looks like in action.

Try this:

“That lady at the checkout looked really tired — maybe she’s had a long day.”
“The driver probably didn’t see us. He might not know we were waiting.”
“Your teacher might have thought you were finished because you closed your book.”

Situational Example: Mia and the Hidden Snack

The scene: Mia (4 years old) is at home with her mum and her older brother, Jack (7). Mum puts a banana in the fruit bowl on the bench and says to Mia, “There’s a banana in the fruit bowl for your afternoon snack.” Then Mum goes to take a phone call in another room.

While Mum is on the phone, Jack eats the banana and throws the peel in the bin. Mia sees this happen. Jack grabs an apple instead and puts it in the fruit bowl.

When Mum comes back, she says, “Right, Mia, go grab your snack from the fruit bowl.”

Mia looks at the bowl (which now has only the apple) and says, “But Jack ate my banana!”

Mum is surprised. She says, “What? I put a banana there for you.”

What’s happening in Mia’s mind: Mia saw the whole thing — she knows the banana is gone and only an apple is left. She can report the facts. But the interesting theory-of-mind moment here is about Mum. Mum doesn’t know what happened while she was out of the room. She still believes the banana is in the fruit bowl.

How a parent could scaffold ToM here:

This everyday moment becomes a chance to highlight different mental states:

Name what each person knows: “Mum didn’t see Jack eat the banana. So what does Mum think is in the fruit bowl? She still thinks the banana is there, right?”
Contrast perspectives: “You and Jack know the banana is gone, but Mum doesn’t know that yet. You’re all thinking different things about the same fruit bowl!”
Connect thoughts to behaviour: “That’s why Mum told you to go grab your snack — because in her mind, the banana is still waiting for you.”
Invite prediction: “What do you think Mum will say when she finds out the banana is gone?”

This brief, calm conversation — lasting maybe 30 seconds — reinforces three core ToM ideas:

Different people can have different beliefs about the same situation (Mum thinks the banana is there; Mia and Jack know it isn’t).
What someone knows depends on what they’ve seen or been told (Mum was out of the room, so she doesn’t have the updated information).
People act on the basis of their own beliefs, even when those beliefs are wrong (Mum directed Mia to the fruit bowl because she believed the banana was still there).

Repeated, low-pressure experiences like this — in stories, in play, and in the messy reality of everyday family life — are exactly what help children build a richer, more flexible theory of mind over time.

References

Astington, J.W. & Edward, M.J. (2010). The development of theory of mind in early childhood. Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development, Centre of Excellence for Early Childhood Development.

Carr, A., Slade, L., Yuill, N., Sullivan, S. & Ruffman, T. (2018). Minding the children: A longitudinal study of mental state talk, theory of mind and behavioural adjustment from age 3 to age 10. Social Development, 27(4), 826–840.

Goffin, K.C., Kochanska, G. & Yoon, J.E. (2020). Children’s theory of mind as a mechanism linking parents’ mind-mindedness in infancy with children’s conscience. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 193, 104784.

Hofmann, S.G., Doan, S.N., Sprung, M., Wilson, A., Ebesutani, C., Andrews, L., Curtiss, J. & Harris, P.L. (2016). Training children’s theory-of-mind: A meta-analysis of controlled studies. Cognition, 150, 200–212.

Kennedy, K., Lagattuta, K.H. & Sayfan, L. (2015). Siblings, theory of mind, and executive functioning in children. Child Development, 84(4), 1442–1458.

McAlister, A. & Peterson, C. (2007). A longitudinal study of child siblings and theory of mind development. Cognitive Development, 22(2), 258–270.

Meins, E., Fernyhough, C., Wainwright, R., Das Gupta, M., Fradley, E. & Tuckey, M. (2002). Maternal mind-mindedness and attachment security as predictors of theory of mind understanding. Child Development, 73(6), 1715–1726.

Paine, A.L., Pearce, H., van Goozen, S.H.M., de Sonneville, L.M.J. & Hay, D.F. (2018). Late, but not early, arriving younger siblings foster firstborns’ understanding of second-order false belief. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 166, 251–265.

Ruffman, T., Slade, L. & Crowe, E. (2002). The relation between children’s and mothers’ mental state language and theory-of-mind understanding. Child Development, 73(3), 734–751.

Taumoepeau, M. & Ruffman, T. (2008). Stepping stones to others’ minds: Maternal talk relates to child mental state language and emotion understanding at 15, 24, and 33 months. Child Development, 79(2), 284–302.

Tompkins, V. (2015). Improving low-income preschoolers’ theory of mind: A training study. Cognitive Development, 36, 1–19.

Ünlüer, E. (2024). Theory of mind skills and peer relationships in children’s adjustment to preschool. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1373898.

Wellman, H.M., Cross, D. & Watson, J. (2001). Meta-analysis of theory-of-mind development: The truth about false belief. Child Development, 72(3), 655–684.

Wellman, H.M. & Liu, D. (2004). Scaling of theory-of-mind tasks. Child Development, 75(2), 523–541.

Yu, Y., Wellman, H.M. et al. (2024). A meta-analysis of sequences in theory-of-mind understandings: Theory of mind scale findings across different cultural contexts. Developmental Review, 74, 101162.