For months, I could not remember the last time I had used the bathroom alone. My baby stayed in my arms, on my hip, in a carrier, or following at the heel of every step. Then, after a year and a half of this, she wandered off and played. The transition was quiet, and it felt both like relief and like loss.
What this phase actually is
Clinginess in babies and toddlers is a developmental signal, not a behavioural problem. My daughter, who clung to me through her early years, had identified me as a secure base, the place to return to between attempts at exploring the world. The behaviour was the visible part of an internal process: the building of attachment.
I see now that those years of constant proximity were not a delay to her independence. They were the foundation of it. Children who experience consistent, responsive care in the early years tend to move outward into the world with greater confidence later on.
What the research shows
Attachment theory, developed through the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, describes the way young children use their caregivers as a base from which to explore. In Ainsworth’s research, infants with secure attachments returned to their caregivers for reassurance and then ventured back out to play. This pattern, often called secure base behaviour, continues to inform paediatric and developmental guidance today.
The Raising Children Network notes that clinginess and separation anxiety are normal parts of early development. Separation anxiety commonly peaks between eight and eighteen months, and many children pass through a second wave around the age of two. These phases reflect a child’s growing awareness that their caregiver is a separate person, not a sign of regression.
The World Health Organization’s nurturing care framework identifies responsive caregiving as one of the core inputs that supports healthy early development. Responsive care means noticing a child’s signals and meeting them in a consistent way, which over time gives the child a felt sense of safety.
Practical strategies for the clingy years
1. Meet the need rather than train it away A child who needs closeness is not being manipulative. Picking up, carrying, and staying near reduces stress for the child and supports the attachment system that is still forming.
2. Use predictable routines Consistent rhythms around sleep, meals, and transitions help children predict what comes next. Predictability lowers anxiety and frees up energy for exploration when it does come.
3. Stay close in unfamiliar settings New environments, new people, and new routines often spike clingy behaviour. Sitting nearby and letting the child approach the new thing in their own time tends to work better than gentle pushing.
4. Keep goodbyes brief and warm When separations are needed, a calm and clear goodbye supports the child more than a long, anxious one. Sneaking out tends to increase clinginess on return.
5. Notice the small moves toward independence Independence rarely arrives all at once. It shows up in a few minutes of solo play, a step away on the playground, a willingness to sit beside instead of on top. These are the early signs.
6. Support the parent too A nervous system in survival mode cannot offer responsive care for long. Small forms of rest, support from a partner or family member, and lower expectations on the home help the parent stay present.
A short scene
I sit on the lounge floor, folding a basket of washing. My daughter is across the room with a small basket of wooden blocks, building a tower and knocking it down. Every minute or so, she looks up to find my face, then returns to the blocks. There is no instruction being given. There is no praise being offered. She is playing alone because she knows I am there. A year ago, she needed to be held to fall asleep. The folding has not been interrupted yet. I let that fact sit with me.
A gentle close
The clingy phase felt like it would never end. It did. The child who could not be put down learned to play across the room, then in another room, then with friends. The closeness I gave her in the early years did not produce a clingy older child. It produced a child who knows what safety feels like and can carry that feeling outward. There is nothing to rush.
References
World Health Organization, UNICEF, World Bank Group. (2018). Nurturing care for early childhood development. who.int
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.
Raising Children Network. (n.d.). Separation anxiety: babies and children. raisingchildren.net.au
