Every parent wants to be the best they can be. We imagine a version of ourselves who never loses patience, always has the right words, and raises children who are calm, confident, and successful.
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But striving for perfect parenting is not only impossible—it’s also harmful to both parents and children.
Recent research confirms what developmental psychologists have long suspected: being a “good enough” parent is more than sufficient. In fact, it may be the healthiest path we can take for both ourselves and our children.
Why Perfect Parenting is a Myth
It’s Unattainable and Harmful
Research consistently shows that the pressure to achieve parenting perfection leads to widespread parental burnout. A 2024 study of over 700 parents found that 57% experienced burnout, with this burnout strongly associated with internal and external expectations about being the “perfect” parent. The relentless pursuit of perfection creates a cycle of stress, exhaustion, and feelings of inadequacy that ultimately undermines effective parenting.
The consequences extend beyond parental wellbeing. When parents are burned out, they experience more depression, anxiety, and stress, but their children also fare worse behaviourally and emotionally. This creates a harmful feedback loop where perfectionist expectations damage both parent and child outcomes.
Children Don’t Need Perfect Parents
Donald Winnicott, a pediatrician and psychoanalyst, introduced the revolutionary concept of the “good enough mother” in the 1950s. He argued that children benefit when parents meet their needs most of the time, but not always. His research showed that occasional frustrations actually help children build resilience and adaptability.
Ground-breaking research by Susan Woodhouse at Lehigh University supports this counterintuitive finding. Her study revealed that caregivers need only “get it right” 50% of the time when responding to babies’ attachment needs to have a positive impact. This paradigm-shifting research demonstrates that secure attachment—critical for healthy development—can be achieved without perfectionist parenting.
Mistakes Become Learning Opportunities
Children learn problem-solving, emotional regulation, and relationship repair through observing how parents handle mistakes. Research on resilience highlights that exposure to manageable challenges—sometimes called “steeling effects”—helps children develop coping skills for bigger struggles later in life.
These steeling effects occur when children face moderate stressors that are within their capacity to handle with appropriate support. Rather than shielding children from all difficulties, allowing them to experience and overcome small challenges builds their confidence and resilience for future adversity.
Evidence-Based Strategies for “Good Enough” Parenting
Practice Emotional Repair
You will get angry. You will be impatient. What matters most is repairing the relationship rupture afterward. Research by Gottman and colleagues shows that parents who engage in “emotion coaching”—acknowledging emotions, apologizing when appropriate, and modeling healthy emotional responses—foster stronger emotional bonds with their children.
The process of “rupture and repair” is fundamental to healthy relationships. When parents make mistakes and then repair them through genuine connection, children learn that relationships can survive conflict and that everyone makes errors. This teaches invaluable lessons about forgiveness, accountability, and resilience.
Prioritize Responsiveness, Not Perfection
Secure attachment research consistently shows that parents need not respond perfectly to their children’s needs. Mary Ainsworth’s foundational work demonstrated that sensitive, responsive caregiving—rather than perfect caregiving—creates secure attachment. Parents who consistently respond to their child’s emotional signals most of the time, but not necessarily all the time, foster the strongest parent-child bonds.
This “good enough” responsiveness allows children to develop realistic expectations about relationships while still feeling fundamentally secure and valued.
Model Healthy Coping
Instead of shielding children from every difficulty, let them see you navigate challenges appropriately. Studies show that children who observe healthy coping strategies are more likely to develop resilience and emotional regulation skills themselves. When parents demonstrate how to manage stress, solve problems, and bounce back from setbacks, children internalize these vital life skills.
Research on future-oriented cognition shows that children of parents who model problem-solving and emotional regulation develop better planning abilities, delay of gratification skills, and overall executive functioning.
Embrace Imperfection Openly
Research on self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff reveals that normalizing imperfection reduces pressure and fosters self-compassion in children. When parents openly acknowledge their mistakes and model self-forgiveness, children learn that perfection isn’t required for self-worth.
Self-compassionate parenting creates an environment where children feel safe to make mistakes, take risks, and learn from failures. Studies show this approach leads to better emotional regulation, higher self-esteem, and greater resilience in children.
Focus on Connection Over Correction
While discipline remains important, research consistently demonstrates that relational connection has the deepest long-term impact on child outcomes. Strong parent-child bonds protect against anxiety, depression, and risky behaviours throughout development.
The principle of “connection before correction” is supported by extensive neuroscience research showing that children are most receptive to guidance when they feel emotionally connected to their caregivers. This approach involves acknowledging a child’s emotional experience before addressing behavioural concerns, creating safety and openness rather than defensiveness.
Studies confirm that authoritative parenting—characterized by high warmth combined with clear boundaries—consistently produces the best outcomes for children, including better emotional regulation, social skills, academic performance, and mental health.
The Evidence for “Good Enough”
Multiple research streams support the effectiveness of good enough parenting:
Attachment Research: Children need parents to be attuned approximately 30-50% of the time to develop secure attachments. Perfect attunement is neither required nor beneficial.
Resilience Studies: Moderate challenges and occasional parental “failures” help children develop coping skills and emotional resilience. Overprotective parenting can actually undermine children’s ability to handle stress.
Parental Burnout Research: Perfectionist expectations lead to parental exhaustion, which negatively impacts both parent wellbeing and child outcomes. Parents who embrace “good enough” standards report less stress and better family functioning.
Self-Compassion Research: Children of self-compassionate parents show better emotional regulation, higher self-esteem, and greater resilience. Perfectionist parenting models create anxiety and self-criticism in children.
The Takeaway
Your imperfections are not flaws to hide—they are a blueprint for raising children who understand that life is unpredictable, relationships require effort, and mistakes are opportunities for growth. By embracing “good enough” parenting, you give your child the most important gift: a realistic, resilient, and loving foundation for life.
The research is clear: children thrive not because their parents are perfect, but because their parents are consistent, responsive, and willing to repair relationships when things go wrong. In a world that constantly pressures parents to do more and be better, the most radical act may be accepting that good enough truly is enough.
References
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- Crnic, K., & Ross, E. (2017). Parenting stress and parental efficacy. In K. Deater-Deckard & R. Panneton (Eds.), Parental stress and early child development (pp. 263-284). Springer.
- Gottman, J. M., & Katz, L. F. (2002). Children’s emotional reactions to stressful parent-child interactions: The role of emotional coaching. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 48(1), 1-20.
- Katz, L. F., & Gottman, J. M. (1997). Buffering children from marital conflict and dissolution. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 26(2), 157-171.
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